unhealthy questions

//TRIGGER WARNING//

why do you look for him in a crowded room even though he told you you were the last person on his mind?

if everything you touch sets on fire, why are you still cold?

does anyone ever wonder why it takes you so long to say “i’m okay” and genuinely smile? do you ever genuinely smile?

why hide behind the crack in the door? is it because you’re afraid if he sees you he’ll slam it in your face and throw away the key?

you can never deal with your problems because of the phrase “we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it” and when it comes to crossing the bridge all you can think about is jumping off.

can i paint over the cracks in my smile with the blood from my wrists?

aren’t you tired of constantly asking for forgiveness off others because you feel so guilty for being yourself? i bet you cant wait until everyone see’s your paranoia showing through. or have they already?

why do you cry in the shower? is it because no one can hear you or because the water washes away your tears when they feel like battery acid pouring down your face?

why whenever you go out and drink to numb the pain do the voices in your head get louder? can you remember the last time you went out and didn’t end up crying until you threw up in the toilets of a club?

why wont the scars ever fade? is it because you’re constantly reopening them in the hopes you’ll dig deep enough and find whatever it is that you’re searching for?

he told you he loved your imperfections, is that why you cant look in a mirror anymore without seeing only them? is that why you hate them even more now?

if your lungs are filled with everything that he spits down your throat, why is it that you haven’t drowned yet?

why is it you cant look at the sky at night anymore? is it because he told you his love for you was as great as the stars and you then realised most of them we’re dying?

no one can save you when you keep nailing your coffin shut.

why is it that you find comfort on the top of a motorway bridge? do you find comfort in the buzz of people around you or comfort in the fact that you could end it all so easily? that buzz could just disappear.

does he meet you each night with his hands behind his back? is his chest expanding and pulse quivering – he doesn’t love you, he’s scared.

 

manchester

vibrations bounce off the walls,
the echoes surround our ears,
a place filled with so much energy;
a buzz

when did these echoes turn so dark,
when did they turn into screams?
when did the screeching pierce through those eardrums
that were once a safe haven for sound?

when did those vibrations turn into earthquakes –
into bombs?
when did they stop surging through our bodies with
beauty and grace,
and start ripping them apart
instead?

all i hear now are sirens and cries,
shouts of desperation
as nails are picked from the bodies of little girls
and twenty-two are pronounced dead

yet that energy remains,
and although it is heartache and loss
that drives this energy,
it remains.

this city wont be buried under the rubble
and the blood,
it will rise up and we will sing again
from the bottom of our ash-filled lungs,
brick by brick, tear by tear,
we will rebuild our city,
we will rebuild our hope

you will not scare us, you will not bully us,
you will not win
because we are stronger than ever;
the vibrations are now songs;
the echoes are now shouts;
the energy is now a wave of relentlessness;
the buzz is still here –

and here it will remain.

midway-through-the-years resolution

So, after having a really hard past five-and-a-half months, I’ve decided that 2017 is going to be my year. This year, I ended a year long relationship, relapsed back into self-harm for the first time in two years, starved myself until I struggled to walk, lost most (if not all) of my friends and skipped college so much I nearly got kicked out. Self-destruction was my only friend, and I see now that that is what I have become. I rely on this self-destruction as it not only isolates me, but makes me feel comforted in that isolation so much so that all I want is to be alone, trapped and surrounded by the warmth of my life going up in flames.

Destruction can be so beautiful, especially when it is against yourself and all you want to do is hurt because at least when you’re hurting you feel something. However, it got to the point where I’d do these destructive things and feel nothing and that’s when you don’t even realise what you’re doing to yourself anymore and how fucking low you’ve actually gotten.

Well, we’re almost half way through the year and I’ve finally realised I’m in that low place and theres no getting out of it without really, really trying. I’m trying – and this is my declaration that this will be my year, because I’m not having another year of self-loathing and self-destruction.

I’m going to go to bed and wake up earlier, I’m going to drink more water, I’m going to read all the books that I’ve been putting off reading because I’ve been too tired, I’m going to eat more fruit and (try to) eat more vegetables, I’m going to go for walks that will turn into jogs and then runs, I’m going to write more and eventually produce more happy than sad pieces, I’m going to put more effort into my education, I’m going to write practice question after practice question, I’m going to walk my dog more when the sun is setting on the hill near my house because I love the sunset, I’m going to stop caring if boys like me because I’m the only one who needs to like me, I’m going to lose those few extra pounds because I want to be healthier not because I want to be skinnier, I’m going to reach out to my friends more, I’m going to stop spending all my money on pointless things and save it for something special, I’m also going to treat myself once in a while though because I deserve to be treated, I’m going to go out and get drunk with my friends but not to numb the pain but because I want to have fun, I’m going to get that promotion at work, I’m going to start buying little furnishings for my room at university to motivate myself and say ‘yes, I can do it!’, I’m going to keep my room tidy but not get annoyed at myself if I leave clothes on the floor every once in a while because it’s okay not to have your shit together all of the time, I’m going to get the new tattoos that I want but have been too scared to get because I don’t want to upset my mum (sorry mum), I’m going to dye my hair pink again because it made me happy and not care about if I looked more attractive blonde, I’m going to clean out my wardrobe and give all the clothes that I only have to impress other people away, I’m going to start dressing for myself, I’m going to wear different coloured eyeshadow and lipstick each day, I’m going to go to the library more, I’m going to stop crying in public toilets because life gets too much, I’m not going to get annoyed at myself if I do though because it’s all about baby steps and that’s okay, I’m going to do extra homework and past papers and get them marked by my teachers, I’m going to buy myself a hot chocolate to walk home from work when I finish late because it makes me happy, I’m going to listen to new music and find new bands to go and see, I’m going to do more activities that involve being outside because I’m sick of staring at the same four walls, I’m going to take my mum out for lunch more often because she deserves the world and I want to show her that, I’m going to sit on the park with the people I care most about and get a portable barbecue and undercook food so we have to get a takeaway, I’m going to make the effort with my friends that live further away and go and see them more, I’m going to work hard in summer and save up so I can go on holiday next year, I’m going to see my grandparents more and tell them how much they mean to me, I’m going to be the best version of myself.

I’m going to admit that yes, I am in this place but it’s not forever and I’m going to make it my midway-through-the-years resolution to get myself back because the next six to seven months of 2017, and from there on, are mine.

cutting ties

You know whats funny? I actually believe you care about me. I genuinely think that somewhere, deep down, you do care and thats why you’re doing this – because you can’t let me go.

Maybe you need to let me go.

To me you are the world, and all it encompasses; everything good and kind and true; but to you I’m a second choice. I’m just someone to pass the time while she isn’t there. I’m someone to listen when she wont. I’m someone to hold when she doesn’t want your touch.

The sad thing is, is that I know this. I know all of this and yet, I still choose to believe that there is something inside of you that wants me more. I know it’s fucked up, and I shouldn’t want you because you have her and she has you but I don’t understand why you couldn’t just tell me before I got sucked in too deep because now the water is filling my lungs and I can’t breathe because all the air has gone and been replaced with the words you spit down my throat. I’m drowning and you’re stood there watching me, because you’re too afraid to get in the water.

Please let me go.

You say you can open up to me when you struggle to open up to others. You say we get on like you’ve never gotten on with a girl before, that I’m different and that you wouldn’t want to see me with anyone else – and I lap it up. I feed off the small touches and affectionate names you call me, and the fact you make me laugh and forget about all the bad in the world. But then I go home, and I realise you’re with her and she’s marked you, right on your jaw and now every time I look over at you recently, all I can see is remnants of her. You’re hers, not mine, but you know whats funny?

I care about you too much to let you go, I want to see you prosper with her and enjoy yourself because I see sadness in your eyes, and I hope to God that she makes you forget about all the bad, just like you do to me.

I need to let you go.

Ashes

I’ve always been captivated by fire,
the idea of something
so bright and beautiful
being so powerful and
destructive.

That’s probably why you entrance me so,
you’re enigmatic
so blinding
so intoxicating;
filling my mind and clouding my thoughts.

You’re everywhere, encompassing everything
you touch,
you’re overwhelming, so quickly
you destroy,
leaving nothing but burning embers and thick smoke –

– I cant breathe.

stop now before anything develops

I feel as though I am too dependant on others, in the sense that I cannot be myself without thinking of another person. I cannot be alone in my own thoughts without desiring someone else to be in them. I’m not saying this is a bad thing, for people to want to be wanted, but for me what I truly desire is to be alone.

I want to be completely on my own within my thoughts and instead of constantly fantasising over someone else, I want to fantasise over a life where I am completely happy and content with just being me. I want to be my own person and as hard as it is to admit, I struggle with being that. I care too much about what people think in one sense, however in another I do not care at all. I think my problem is, along with many other people, my utmost desire is to be desired.

Again, I am not saying this is a bad thing as everybody wants to be desirable however, I want to be the more desirable version of myself, to myself. I want to look in the mirror and be happy with the way I’m dressed because I like my outfit, not because I think someone else will. I want to be completely dedicated to myself and myself only, and then maybe I can start thinking about looking for someone to share the most desirable version of myself with.

Sea Foam

Your eyes are like the sea;
deep, rich, full of life;
and perhaps my inability
to feel alive,
is what attracts me so
to you.

Your eyes are like the sea;
clarity, unclouded thoughts
pour from them
so sweet, oh, so sweet.
Childlike excitement and
unrequited feelings.

Why do you hide them so?
Why feel the need to speak
when your eyes say so much?

Your eyes are like the sea,
unpredictable, treacherous
like a sirens song.
Captivating and beautiful,
oh –

So beautiful.

Your eyes are like the sea
and I don’t mind drowning.

direction at 5 a.m.

There is something truly magical about 5 a.m. The hour between 5 and 6 where the world is in that haze of just waking up and everything is quiet and peaceful, where the sun is just rising and the skies are clear apart from a few trails left by aeroplanes, those of which show direction. Direction is something I’m struggling with at the moment. Not in the literal sense, like the planes but more so the direction I want to take in life – I seem to not have any. Whether that is due to my complete disenchantment with the world at the moment, I do not know, however what I’m also struggling with is actually wanting direction.

The premise of having to pick which way my life is set to go is not only overwhelming but also exhausting, and I’m tired to be quite honest. In every possible sense, I am tired and the funny thing is, after an eight hour shift at work, walking home at 5:48 a.m. I have never felt so not tired. Walking home, freezing cold through the town centre, I felt sheer peace for the first time in a while and as I was looking up at the sky, I actually felt content in my decision to not have to have direction in my life right now. I was happy.

My point is, I put too much pressure on myself, and so do others, to need to know which direction my life is going and when. I feel as though, without a clear direction in life I’m stuck in this sort of purgatory where nothing makes sense and I feel completely surrounded by myself and my decisions or more so lack of, that have lead me to a dead end.

Picture this: you’re walking though a maze, but you keep coming to dead end after dead end. You cant remember how to get back to the beginning and no matter how hard you try, you just cant get to the finish. Right now, I’m stuck at a dead end and I’ve been hitting dead end after dead end for a while now. I’m stuck at this point of my life where I can feel myself getting lost but I’m not doing anything about it, but rather I’m just walking around and hoping that eventually I’ll find the beginning or the end, but I’m not bothered which one it is; that’s my problem. I don’t strive for the end, I strive for everything to be okay again – I just want normalcy – but walking home at 5:48 a.m. I realised that maybe I’m okay with being directionless and maybe I’m okay with not being okay right now.

Without direction or any sense of where I’m going, theres a possibility of stumbling across something great. I have no expectations at the moment or even any hope that this ‘great’ thing will come, however I can say that I’m quite content to take that walk home from my shitty job each day and take time to myself to realise that maybe I’m nowhere near coming close to the end of the maze, but I’m going to do the best I can to try and make it as bearable as I can.

I’ve been struggling for years now with these dead ends, not just in regards to decisions in life but also with my mental health but I’m trying to start a journey of self-dependancy and self-acceptance and what better way to do that than being stuck in this maze? While I have no idea what I’m doing or where I’m going, I might at least try and learn to be content and possibly happy with myself in the mean time, right? Or maybe, that’s my finish line and I’ve got to be lost for a little (or a lot) while longer, but I’m okay with that because right now, I’m stuck in this maze but the sky is clear and I can smell the rain on the grass and the birds are singing and even though I have no direction, I am content where I am right now.