stop now before anything develops

I feel as though I am too dependant on others, in the sense that I cannot be myself without thinking of another person. I cannot be alone in my own thoughts without desiring someone else to be in them. I’m not saying this is a bad thing, for people to want to be wanted, but for me what I truly desire is to be alone.

I want to be completely on my own within my thoughts and instead of constantly fantasising over someone else, I want to fantasise over a life where I am completely happy and content with just being me. I want to be my own person and as hard as it is to admit, I struggle with being that. I care too much about what people think in one sense, however in another I do not care at all. I think my problem is, along with many other people, my utmost desire is to be desired.

Again, I am not saying this is a bad thing as everybody wants to be desirable however, I want to be the more desirable version of myself, to myself. I want to look in the mirror and be happy with the way I’m dressed because I like my outfit, not because I think someone else will. I want to be completely dedicated to myself and myself only, and then maybe I can start thinking about looking for someone to share the most desirable version of myself with.

Sea Foam

Your eyes are like the sea;
deep, rich, full of life;
and perhaps my inability
to feel alive,
is what attracts me so
to you.

Your eyes are like the sea;
clarity, unclouded thoughts
pour from them
so sweet, oh, so sweet.
Childlike excitement and
unrequited feelings.

Why do you hide them so?
Why feel the need to speak
when your eyes say so much?

Your eyes are like the sea,
unpredictable, treacherous
like a sirens song.
Captivating and beautiful,
oh –

So beautiful.

Your eyes are like the sea
and I don’t mind drowning.

direction at 5 a.m.

There is something truly magical about 5 a.m. The hour between 5 and 6 where the world is in that haze of just waking up and everything is quiet and peaceful, where the sun is just rising and the skies are clear apart from a few trails left by aeroplanes, those of which show direction. Direction is something I’m struggling with at the moment. Not in the literal sense, like the planes but more so the direction I want to take in life – I seem to not have any. Whether that is due to my complete disenchantment with the world at the moment, I do not know, however what I’m also struggling with is actually wanting direction.

The premise of having to pick which way my life is set to go is not only overwhelming but also exhausting, and I’m tired to be quite honest. In every possible sense, I am tired and the funny thing is, after an eight hour shift at work, walking home at 5:48 a.m. I have never felt so not tired. Walking home, freezing cold through the town centre, I felt sheer peace for the first time in a while and as I was looking up at the sky, I actually felt content in my decision to not have to have direction in my life right now. I was happy.

My point is, I put too much pressure on myself, and so do others, to need to know which direction my life is going and when. I feel as though, without a clear direction in life I’m stuck in this sort of purgatory where nothing makes sense and I feel completely surrounded by myself and my decisions or more so lack of, that have lead me to a dead end.

Picture this: you’re walking though a maze, but you keep coming to dead end after dead end. You cant remember how to get back to the beginning and no matter how hard you try, you just cant get to the finish. Right now, I’m stuck at a dead end and I’ve been hitting dead end after dead end for a while now. I’m stuck at this point of my life where I can feel myself getting lost but I’m not doing anything about it, but rather I’m just walking around and hoping that eventually I’ll find the beginning or the end, but I’m not bothered which one it is; that’s my problem. I don’t strive for the end, I strive for everything to be okay again – I just want normalcy – but walking home at 5:48 a.m. I realised that maybe I’m okay with being directionless and maybe I’m okay with not being okay right now.

Without direction or any sense of where I’m going, theres a possibility of stumbling across something great. I have no expectations at the moment or even any hope that this ‘great’ thing will come, however I can say that I’m quite content to take that walk home from my shitty job each day and take time to myself to realise that maybe I’m nowhere near coming close to the end of the maze, but I’m going to do the best I can to try and make it as bearable as I can.

I’ve been struggling for years now with these dead ends, not just in regards to decisions in life but also with my mental health but I’m trying to start a journey of self-dependancy and self-acceptance and what better way to do that than being stuck in this maze? While I have no idea what I’m doing or where I’m going, I might at least try and learn to be content and possibly happy with myself in the mean time, right? Or maybe, that’s my finish line and I’ve got to be lost for a little (or a lot) while longer, but I’m okay with that because right now, I’m stuck in this maze but the sky is clear and I can smell the rain on the grass and the birds are singing and even though I have no direction, I am content where I am right now.