There is something truly magical about 5 a.m. The hour between 5 and 6 where the world is in that haze of just waking up and everything is quiet and peaceful, where the sun is just rising and the skies are clear apart from a few trails left by aeroplanes, those of which show direction. Direction is something I’m struggling with at the moment. Not in the literal sense, like the planes but more so the direction I want to take in life – I seem to not have any. Whether that is due to my complete disenchantment with the world at the moment, I do not know, however what I’m also struggling with is actually wanting direction.
The premise of having to pick which way my life is set to go is not only overwhelming but also exhausting, and I’m tired to be quite honest. In every possible sense, I am tired and the funny thing is, after an eight hour shift at work, walking home at 5:48 a.m. I have never felt so not tired. Walking home, freezing cold through the town centre, I felt sheer peace for the first time in a while and as I was looking up at the sky, I actually felt content in my decision to not have to have direction in my life right now. I was happy.
My point is, I put too much pressure on myself, and so do others, to need to know which direction my life is going and when. I feel as though, without a clear direction in life I’m stuck in this sort of purgatory where nothing makes sense and I feel completely surrounded by myself and my decisions or more so lack of, that have lead me to a dead end.
Picture this: you’re walking though a maze, but you keep coming to dead end after dead end. You cant remember how to get back to the beginning and no matter how hard you try, you just cant get to the finish. Right now, I’m stuck at a dead end and I’ve been hitting dead end after dead end for a while now. I’m stuck at this point of my life where I can feel myself getting lost but I’m not doing anything about it, but rather I’m just walking around and hoping that eventually I’ll find the beginning or the end, but I’m not bothered which one it is; that’s my problem. I don’t strive for the end, I strive for everything to be okay again – I just want normalcy – but walking home at 5:48 a.m. I realised that maybe I’m okay with being directionless and maybe I’m okay with not being okay right now.
Without direction or any sense of where I’m going, theres a possibility of stumbling across something great. I have no expectations at the moment or even any hope that this ‘great’ thing will come, however I can say that I’m quite content to take that walk home from my shitty job each day and take time to myself to realise that maybe I’m nowhere near coming close to the end of the maze, but I’m going to do the best I can to try and make it as bearable as I can.
I’ve been struggling for years now with these dead ends, not just in regards to decisions in life but also with my mental health but I’m trying to start a journey of self-dependancy and self-acceptance and what better way to do that than being stuck in this maze? While I have no idea what I’m doing or where I’m going, I might at least try and learn to be content and possibly happy with myself in the mean time, right? Or maybe, that’s my finish line and I’ve got to be lost for a little (or a lot) while longer, but I’m okay with that because right now, I’m stuck in this maze but the sky is clear and I can smell the rain on the grass and the birds are singing and even though I have no direction, I am content where I am right now.