manchester

vibrations bounce off the walls,
the echoes surround our ears,
a place filled with so much energy;
a buzz

when did these echoes turn so dark,
when did they turn into screams?
when did the screeching pierce through those eardrums
that were once a safe haven for sound?

when did those vibrations turn into earthquakes –
into bombs?
when did they stop surging through our bodies with
beauty and grace,
and start ripping them apart
instead?

all i hear now are sirens and cries,
shouts of desperation
as nails are picked from the bodies of little girls
and twenty-two are pronounced dead

yet that energy remains,
and although it is heartache and loss
that drives this energy,
it remains.

this city wont be buried under the rubble
and the blood,
it will rise up and we will sing again
from the bottom of our ash-filled lungs,
brick by brick, tear by tear,
we will rebuild our city,
we will rebuild our hope

you will not scare us, you will not bully us,
you will not win
because we are stronger than ever;
the vibrations are now songs;
the echoes are now shouts;
the energy is now a wave of relentlessness;
the buzz is still here –

and here it will remain.

midway-through-the-years resolution

So, after having a really hard past five-and-a-half months, I’ve decided that 2017 is going to be my year. This year, I ended a year long relationship, relapsed back into self-harm for the first time in two years, starved myself until I struggled to walk, lost most (if not all) of my friends and skipped college so much I nearly got kicked out. Self-destruction was my only friend, and I see now that that is what I have become. I rely on this self-destruction as it not only isolates me, but makes me feel comforted in that isolation so much so that all I want is to be alone, trapped and surrounded by the warmth of my life going up in flames.

Destruction can be so beautiful, especially when it is against yourself and all you want to do is hurt because at least when you’re hurting you feel something. However, it got to the point where I’d do these destructive things and feel nothing and that’s when you don’t even realise what you’re doing to yourself anymore and how fucking low you’ve actually gotten.

Well, we’re almost half way through the year and I’ve finally realised I’m in that low place and theres no getting out of it without really, really trying. I’m trying – and this is my declaration that this will be my year, because I’m not having another year of self-loathing and self-destruction.

I’m going to go to bed and wake up earlier, I’m going to drink more water, I’m going to read all the books that I’ve been putting off reading because I’ve been too tired, I’m going to eat more fruit and (try to) eat more vegetables, I’m going to go for walks that will turn into jogs and then runs, I’m going to write more and eventually produce more happy than sad pieces, I’m going to put more effort into my education, I’m going to write practice question after practice question, I’m going to walk my dog more when the sun is setting on the hill near my house because I love the sunset, I’m going to stop caring if boys like me because I’m the only one who needs to like me, I’m going to lose those few extra pounds because I want to be healthier not because I want to be skinnier, I’m going to reach out to my friends more, I’m going to stop spending all my money on pointless things and save it for something special, I’m also going to treat myself once in a while though because I deserve to be treated, I’m going to go out and get drunk with my friends but not to numb the pain but because I want to have fun, I’m going to get that promotion at work, I’m going to start buying little furnishings for my room at university to motivate myself and say ‘yes, I can do it!’, I’m going to keep my room tidy but not get annoyed at myself if I leave clothes on the floor every once in a while because it’s okay not to have your shit together all of the time, I’m going to get the new tattoos that I want but have been too scared to get because I don’t want to upset my mum (sorry mum), I’m going to dye my hair pink again because it made me happy and not care about if I looked more attractive blonde, I’m going to clean out my wardrobe and give all the clothes that I only have to impress other people away, I’m going to start dressing for myself, I’m going to wear different coloured eyeshadow and lipstick each day, I’m going to go to the library more, I’m going to stop crying in public toilets because life gets too much, I’m not going to get annoyed at myself if I do though because it’s all about baby steps and that’s okay, I’m going to do extra homework and past papers and get them marked by my teachers, I’m going to buy myself a hot chocolate to walk home from work when I finish late because it makes me happy, I’m going to listen to new music and find new bands to go and see, I’m going to do more activities that involve being outside because I’m sick of staring at the same four walls, I’m going to take my mum out for lunch more often because she deserves the world and I want to show her that, I’m going to sit on the park with the people I care most about and get a portable barbecue and undercook food so we have to get a takeaway, I’m going to make the effort with my friends that live further away and go and see them more, I’m going to work hard in summer and save up so I can go on holiday next year, I’m going to see my grandparents more and tell them how much they mean to me, I’m going to be the best version of myself.

I’m going to admit that yes, I am in this place but it’s not forever and I’m going to make it my midway-through-the-years resolution to get myself back because the next six to seven months of 2017, and from there on, are mine.

cutting ties

You know whats funny? I actually believe you care about me. I genuinely think that somewhere, deep down, you do care and thats why you’re doing this – because you can’t let me go.

Maybe you need to let me go.

To me you are the world, and all it encompasses; everything good and kind and true; but to you I’m a second choice. I’m just someone to pass the time while she isn’t there. I’m someone to listen when she wont. I’m someone to hold when she doesn’t want your touch.

The sad thing is, is that I know this. I know all of this and yet, I still choose to believe that there is something inside of you that wants me more. I know it’s fucked up, and I shouldn’t want you because you have her and she has you but I don’t understand why you couldn’t just tell me before I got sucked in too deep because now the water is filling my lungs and I can’t breathe because all the air has gone and been replaced with the words you spit down my throat. I’m drowning and you’re stood there watching me, because you’re too afraid to get in the water.

Please let me go.

You say you can open up to me when you struggle to open up to others. You say we get on like you’ve never gotten on with a girl before, that I’m different and that you wouldn’t want to see me with anyone else – and I lap it up. I feed off the small touches and affectionate names you call me, and the fact you make me laugh and forget about all the bad in the world. But then I go home, and I realise you’re with her and she’s marked you, right on your jaw and now every time I look over at you recently, all I can see is remnants of her. You’re hers, not mine, but you know whats funny?

I care about you too much to let you go, I want to see you prosper with her and enjoy yourself because I see sadness in your eyes, and I hope to God that she makes you forget about all the bad, just like you do to me.

I need to let you go.

Ashes

I’ve always been captivated by fire,
the idea of something
so bright and beautiful
being so powerful and
destructive.

That’s probably why you entrance me so,
you’re enigmatic
so blinding
so intoxicating;
filling my mind and clouding my thoughts.

You’re everywhere, encompassing everything
you touch,
you’re overwhelming, so quickly
you destroy,
leaving nothing but burning embers and thick smoke –

– I cant breathe.